My Short Story [Excerpt from a Screenplay]

This story is excerpt of an untitled screenplay I have been thinking about for a while. It tells the story of a girl, Nina, who is about to get married to her fiance of about 2 years. Her fiance doesn’t spend too much time with her though as he is huge part of the family business which involves him working overseas with his father. Nina questions their relationship after he misses her birthday. She then spends the next day entirely with her long time friend Elt. This excerpt takes place at the conclusion of what was a day of fun that the two have spent with each other. Feel free to read it in Microsoft Word format or in PDF.

Let me know what you think in the comments below.

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6 thoughts on “My Short Story [Excerpt from a Screenplay]

  1. Looked through your description really quick. You write a lot of things we can’t see. As a general rule, don’t do that “After a full day of fun spent with each other, the longtime
    friends find themselves strolling through a park. ”

    We don’t see any their “full day of fun spent with eachother” so don’t write that. What do we see?

    A dark empty park. An empty swing sways in the wind. SQUEAKING. Bright lights illuminate dim paths. The wind bristles through the leaves. ELT and NINA, both around 19, stroll down a path underneath.

    Not necessarily great but each line illustrates an image. Write what we see.

    “He then proceeds to speak with his eyes glued downwards.”

    You don’t need to write “He proceeds to speak”. You’re wasting space here. No one proceeds to speak they just speak. In a screenplay if a character speaks you just write what they say.

    “She thinks back of this whole day and how Elt has been helping her.”

    We can’t see her thoughts so again, this line is unnecessary. What does she do that we can see. “She plays with her hair”. “She lays her head on Elt’s shoulder”. “She pulls away from Elt”. Each action conveys something different. Give your characters actions.

    ” Nina is looking at him wanting to learn more of this side of her friend she has never known before.”

    Same as above. Movies are visual. Think of what the characters want and what it looks like. How does she go about doing that? Does she get more physical? “Nina takes Elt’s hand in hers”.

    These may be irrelevant to the actual story but they’re just examples.

    Other comments, don’t direct the actors on the page. You have some parentheticals like “puzzled”, smiling at himself giving advice, etc. Get rid of those. The director and actors will decide how to read it.

    A really good thing to do is to read screenplays. Will give you a good sense of how to write more visually. A great one is No Country For Old Men. Read it then watch the movie. Practically every line in the screenplay describes what’s actually seen on screen. You have that script you have a shot list.

    Another one that may be harder to find is When The Street Lights Go On. It was on the Hollywood blacklist a few years back. I want to say 2012 or 2013? Another great one that has great description. It’s really great for showing how to write visual sentence that convey the mood of a scene.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Great thank you! This is the first script I’ve written. It id amazing to get feedback like this early on and hopefully I’ll improve on this. I have mostly just read screenplays and never read any advice or steps but looking at your commentary everything you said is valid. And you are right movies are visual so Is should work on making the scenes more illustrious. Add some description to the park.

      I know that some parts don’t make sense because it is just a piece of the whole story. I really appreciate your advice too! Thank You Very Much

      Like

  2. Major props for writing something and asking for feedback! I don’t actually have time to read the dialogue so I don’t want to say “This is great!” or “This needs work” story-wise. Just had some technical notes.

    Keep the writing up! I started writing scripts when I was 18. Stopped doing it. Picked it up a little bit ago. I’m better but no where near where I could have been. Keep working, it’s awesome that you’re 17 and writing!

    Liked by 1 person

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