I hate you. A “Hello” is a “Hello”. Nothing more. Nothing less. But to you it has an underlying meaning. A meaning that you will not desist from unraveling until you have driven me to the point of insanity.
The world does not revolve around you but for some reason you believe that everyone is always watching. No one is, but you assure me that they are. Always. I feel their nonexistent glances everywhere I go.
Anxiety, because of you I cannot breathe. When I should feel safe, I instead feel the world crumbling down on top of me. I stay still but my heart races as if I just ran a mile. I might have friends but you think they all hate me. And if you think so, I think so. I loved myself but you told me I wasn’t worth anything. You hate me? Well, I hate you too.
People are everywhere but you won’t let me talk to them. The hardest part is that no one knows that I have to climb a mountain just to speak. Sometimes I summit, but you aren’t that generous. You start to control my body. I become the puppet and you the puppeteer. I’m awkward enough but you have to let the world know don’t you? Do they see me? Do they notice? Do they hate me. Am I… and your vicious cycle continues.
Anxiety, you’re there almost all the time. Almost all the time. So when you loosen your grasp for that one instant and give me just a little air, life is wonderful. I feel love, and joy, and happy. Because of the lows I feel with you I humbly recognize all the beauty in life.
Anxiety, you destroy me, you eat me alive, you tear me apart but I must say you are a blessing not a burden. You teach me that life is often filled with pain and sadness so that I can hold on to the few, yet precious moments.
Anxiety, I used to hate you but now I love you. I wished you were gone but I want you to stay now. In the most awful way, you managed to teach me that life is a gift.
The Anxious Host
This post was heavily inspired by the rapper Logic’s song Anziety where he delivers a speech that ensures a hopeful future to fans/listeners who suffer of the disorder.
If you suffer from an Anxiety, know that you are not alone…