Celebrating 2017 on 4therace

Even though I still struggle to blog during the semester, 2017 was a record setting year for visitors, views and likes here on 4therace.

To celebrate 2017 on 4therace, I’ve compiled a list of some of this site’s top 10s as well as some of my favorite things coming out of 2017 – just to get to know me a little better. Before delving in I’d like to thank all those who visited my blog, took the time to read my posts and comment. Each and every one of you keep this blog running and inspire me to write more and continuously improve my content every year. I thank you once again, and hope you enjoy this post which celebrates what I’ve done but mostly what you’ve pushed me to accomplish!

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I’m 19-years-old and I’m Scared of the Movies…?

Yesterday I turned 19-years-old, really not that old, but still older than I’ve ever been before. Every year I face this sense of melancholy after being shocked at how close adulthood is approaching – it’s practically here now. It isn’t until a couple years later, through the ability of hindsight, that I come to realize how young I really was. When I turned 14, and I didn’t think that was really young until I was 17, and now that I’m 19, 17 seems really young as well. Maybe it’s my anxiety that results in me constantly worrying about how I will be ‘later’ and how I was ‘then’ rather than focusing on how I am ‘now’.

This time around my biggest fear about the days after September 2nd, 2017 is my ability to immerse in my favorite form of escapism, movies. At a young age, heroes like Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, and even freaking Naruto – who were all older than me – lost me in their fictitious worlds, encouraged me to be kind-hearted, a hero, and most of all never give up. I couldn’t help be feel like my imagination and connection with fiction would weaken as I grow older, and it freaking scared the hell out of me. Stories and movies are my everything and I feel like, somehow, I’ll let go of them over time.

But today I say FUCK THAT!  I’ll only be 19-years-old 364 times until I fully depart being a teenageer and then it’s off to the twenties.  So this year, officially, I’m done with going through this feeling of pensive sadness and just learning to just live in the now and appreciate the blessing that is life. There is no reason to fear getting older. My imagination, as long as I live, will never fade away. And movies will always be movies. Happy belated to me!

What’s on your mind?

A Letter to My Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,

I hate you. A “Hello” is a “Hello”. Nothing more. Nothing less. But to you it has an underlying meaning. A meaning that you will not desist from unraveling until you have driven me to the point of insanity.

The world does not revolve around you but for some reason you believe that everyone is always watching. No one is, but you assure me that they are. Always. I feel their nonexistent glances everywhere I go.

Anxiety, because of you I cannot breathe. When I should feel safe, I instead feel the world crumbling down on top of me. I stay still but my heart races as if I just ran a mile. I might have friends but you think they all hate me. And if you think so, I think so. I loved myself but you told me I wasn’t worth anything. You hate me? Well, I hate you too.

People are everywhere but you won’t let me talk to them. The hardest part is that no one knows that I have to climb a mountain just to speak. Sometimes I summit, but you aren’t that generous. You start to control my body.  I become the puppet and you the puppeteer. I’m awkward enough but you have to let the world know don’t you? Do they see me? Do they notice? Do they hate me. Am I… and your vicious cycle continues.

Anxiety, you’re there almost all the time. Almost all the time. So when you loosen your grasp for that one instant and give me just a little air, life is wonderful. I feel love, and joy, and happy. Because of the lows I feel with you I humbly recognize all the beauty in life.

Anxiety, you destroy me, you eat me alive, you tear me apart but I must say you are a blessing not a burden. You teach me that life is often filled with pain and sadness so that I can hold on to the few, yet precious moments.

Anxiety, I used to hate you but now I love you. I wished you were gone but I want you to stay now. In the most awful way, you managed to teach me that life is a gift.

Yours Truly,

The Anxious Host

 

This post was heavily inspired by the rapper Logic’s song Anziety where he delivers a speech that ensures a hopeful future to fans/listeners who suffer of the disorder. 

If you suffer from an Anxiety, know that you are not alone…

 

Amelio…

A short story by Fabrice Nozier 

“Amelio,” Ms. Farajah said. “It’s called Amelio”. Sitting at her red clothed roundtable were Ms. Faraja’s first visitors in years, Owen and Anne. “It’ll open her right up. She won’t be able to stop talking,” her elderly voice cracked.  After Anne’s husband of three years and high-school sweetheart had suddenly passed away, Owen had done his very best to ease the great emotional pain of his longtime friend. He had tried everything from joint therapy sessions – he was a friend of Anne’s husband as well – to walks in the park, to meditation but all of them led nowhere. The overly bombastic, lively friend Owen once knew in his college days was now shrunken down to a nearly mute woman. Looking down at the jar of the red gelatin substance in front of them, Owen said to Ms. Faraja, “So it’s like a truth serum?”. The frail old lady shook her head “No, it’s Amelio,” she rasped back with her distinctive Mediterranean accent. “She will finally start talking like you asked but whether it’s the truth or a lie… we’ll never know”. Owen stared at his emotionless friend, back at the jar of  Amelio and around Ms. Faraja’s weird apartment. Light had barely shone through the thick red curtains but the rooms were just bright enough to see the beady eyes of taxidermied owls. Clocks of all shapes and sizes were scattered across all walls ticking in unison. Tick! Ms. Faraja took a spoonful of the Amelio and smudged it on Owen’s head while he was distracted by the strange aesthetic of her apartment. “Now let’s begin,” she said.

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Anziety- Logic [Song of the Week #2]

Logic isn’t just one of my favorite rappers/artist ever, but one of my favorite people ever. Born as Sir Robert Bryson Hall III, Logic grew up in Gaithersburg, Maryland where drugs, crime and gang life where all apparent in his household. With an abusive mother and  an absent father who was addicted to crack, Logic found an escape through rap music. The list of all the terrible things he witnessed is endless, yet he came out as a well spoken, inspirational figure who represents Peace, Love and Positivity. He never really made music that explicitly boosted the morale of people but unintentionally has changed the lives of so many, including myself. In his third studio album Everybody, Logic raps at the perspective of multiple people aiming his targeted audience at, well, Everybody! No song resonated with me as much as Anziety, yes Anziety not Anxiety, where Logic not only raps for sufferers of the disorder but at the perspective of the disorder as well. 

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Why Can’t They Hear Me Screaming?

A short story by Fabrice Nozier

There are two things in life you wish to never experience. The first is not being able to see when you wake up, and the second is waking up in a place where you did not fall asleep. Actually I lied, there are three things you wish to never experience in life and the third is waking up in a place where you did not fall asleep with no recollection of how you got there. Unfortunately I experienced all three of these things at once on Saturday night when I woke up on a cold floor and couldn’t see anything.

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What Anxiety Feels Like For Me [My Worst Attack]

If you read my previous post you’ve learned that I’m starting to open up more on the story of my anxiety here on 4therace. This is my first time opening up about it, so I hope I increasingly grow better at expressing myself over time. Perhaps I didn’t explain the history of my anxieties too well, or it isn’t clear how exactly I feel when I’m anxious.

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The Story of My Anxiety

In all honesty, 4therace was never going to include posts on films and television. Nor was it going to be riddled of short essays, stories, or the occasional screenplay excerpt. Originally 4therace was made to discuss two obstacles I have had to deal with in my life, the first is living in a single parent home and the second is my anxiety. I wanted to build a community of individuals who have endured the same struggles hoping that my blog could help them. Not only did I want to help others, but I thought that by writing and expressing my social situation to the world I could help myself. Unfortunately, when 4therace was officially completed I “chickened out” and grew increasingly scared about how people would receive my story.  I questioned if people would undermine my struggle or tell me it was blown way out of proportion. Fear stricken, I decided to scratch the personal side of my blog and write whatever was on my head at the time (I spawned The Pessimist’s Optimistic Way to Obtain World Peace). But this blog is called 4therace and I want to connect with all people of different colours, creeds and backgrounds. Humbly, I can say I’ve done quite well thus far but there is still room to expand and connect to more social groups. I think it’s time to come out of my shell, and finally write about what I originally intended to do in the summer of 2015. My anxiety.

Continue reading “The Story of My Anxiety”